“stayin on my grind, but still have way to much on my mind. time to live and let go of this stress. hopefully along with it, i’ll get rid of this pain in my chest” - me

i just improved off this quote for an hour and fifteen minutes straight.

i don’t really like being the type of blogger that put ever single aspect of their life, especially their problems, out here for everyone to see. let’s just say i had one of those moments where i learned/found something i really wish i hadn’t. but it did make me realize that i am growing up.

before i would cry or get extremely upset over something similar to what just happened, but instead i feel calm. i thought to myself “what’s the point of getting so upset over something like this? it’s in the past, you’re in the present.”

still on my grind

some people say no one can tell you what’s right and what’s wrong; that it’s all up to you and your definition. i feel like following my passion is right, even if it means not going to school. i know i could handle work, school, an dance, but i know i wouldn’t succeed in school like i know i could. even if i did push myself to go to school, would it be worth it right now? my answer: no. i want to actually learn and retain the information when i go back to school. if i did it now i would just be filling up pages in notebooks, that’s it. not learning or getting my money’s worth. but is it really worth pushing graduating back further?

it’s harder to know that my mom doesn’t agree with anything that i’m doing. usually parents understand their kids because they thought or felt the same way at that time of age. being adopted poses a problem with that. my mom and i have grown apart since i stopped going to school. she’s not proud of me and it really makes me sad. it just hit me recently that when i tell her something about dance, she’s not truly interested.

not everyone has a true passion for something, so it’s hard to explain to others why/how they can care about something so much.

i feel like a hypocrite. i used to always think being out of school and just working instead was a bad thing to do. i thought those people were wasting their lives away. now i find myself asking if i’m wasting mine.

deep down i know i’ll never be one of the ones to ‘make it’ out there in the dance world, i don’t have that ‘it’ factor. but i have this part of me that keeps wanting me to push to try just a little bit more.

so at the moment i can’t tell if this is right. i love every second that i get to do something that involves the community, but……i’m lost

I wish people would understand what it means to be a true artist. The things we do: flip over every pillow just to scrape up enough money to get us to the next audition/class/supplies/equipment, travel constantly (and far) to perform or support friends, never sleep because we have to get what’s in our heads out and usually we think better at night, risks our jobs and school. I’ll probably never make it to where some people are, but I could never say that I regret any bit of it. Over the last year I have met so many great people, dancers, singers, painters, 3D artists and much more. Sharing an understanding with them of a true passion has made me push myself further everyday. If I won the lottery I would end up giving most of the money to the people that I know that have the talent and drive to make it. Some of my (now close) friends I look up to in dance and I hope they realize how much they inspire me and every person they teach. That’s the beauty of art, people may not realize until they’re told that they inspire others. So if I’ve ever taken a class from you, have taught me a basic step, or have just taken the time to talk for a little, thank you. Thank you for being you and a true artist.

People amaze me randomly all the time these days. Today it was a student from Lakewood High. This girl called me with an attitude not even knowing me on a personal level or in a position to talk to me the way she did. I’ve never understood why it is that people do that, especially girls. They jump to conclusion and assume they know everything before they know what’s going on. And even better in some cases, they don’t even know the person. Just had to take a quick second to vent. OK, over it!! Now to finish the day off with cleaning/organizing, then off to a session with some friends. Life, is good <3

just joined this thing…..you would think that i would be beyond stressed and losing it, knowing that i need to come up with $4400 for the theater by monday at 5:00, but i’m not. I feel, or at least hope, that all of the good things i’ve ever done will come back and help me with this. let me struggle, live and learn; just don’t let me fail. but then again it’s me we’re talking about, so i guess failure really isn’t an option. not to say that in a sarcastic way, but in an honest way. to me failure is when you have absolutely nothing to go on or live for and never gave it a decent try. i am beyond trying to make this show the dream i had hoped it to be. i can already say that this journey was not a failure. i couldn’t begin to list the things i’ve learned, the people i’ve met, and the opportunities that have come up for me though this.

i wish certain people, and especially some of the dancers i know, knew how much they affect the lives of people around them, because they have a great impact on my life. maybe they’re just not told it that often, but i wish people would. i feel beyond thankful when i’m acknowledged for something, no matter how small or big it is. i hope that with my career (whatever it turns out to be) i will have that certain affect on people, and influence them to push themselves. yep, that’s my dream